Growing as a Christian and getting rid of bad habits is hard. Growing up, I always struggled with a bad temper and angry outbursts. I was simultaneously a great lover (of people) and a great fighter (my secondary school friends can testify so well to this!). But around 19 years old, with determination in my heart and God’s ever-present help, I was able to contain my emotions relatively well and hardly lost my temper any longer.
All that time, I didn’t realise how much God had worked on my heart, until about a year ago, when I tweeted about my anger issues as a teen and a former colleague replied, “Really? I can’t even imagine you being angry, Kunmi.” I literally LOL-ed. Girrrl, if only you knew!
But recently, I’ve had to face my demons again. There’s something about being in such an emotionally-invested situation like marriage that can sometimes bring out things that have long been buried in you, or things you never even knew were there. When I got married, I found that I was more easily angered, more irritable, more sensitive; just more, more, more - and that led to me losing my cool a lot of times. Like most Christians, when I noticed this bad habit was back, I prayed about it, read article after article about anger, selected a Bible plan than addressed the issue, prayed some more... and honestly, after a while (and falling down a few times), I did start to notice that I was better able to walk away from a situation that would normally “bring out my crazy.” I was finally “sober,” people.
Until a few days ago. I, again, lost my cool in a situation that I could ea-si-ly have ignored. Now here’s my typical pattern:
Get angry,
Have an outburst,
Say and do things I don’t mean,
Feel immediate regret,
Plunge into deep self-loathing,
Pray for help,
Feel relief,
And then a few weeks (or months) later, do it again.
But this time, I made a decision something had to change. It was evident that I wasn’t completely “cured” of my anger-itis; it was clear there was still work to be done. But I made up my mind that I wasn’t going to do what I always did after making a mistake: beat myself up.
But why shouldn’t you?, you might think. You did a bad thing and should rightfully feel bad. Maybe beating yourself up will be the catalyst of change you need. No. It won’t be.
You see, I’m of the opinion that we need to remember that when it comes to overcoming our weaknesses, we are on a journey that usually doesn't involve changing overnight, and it’s important to forgive ourselves when we mess up - even if we make the same mistake over and over again. It’s especially important to forgive yourself when someone you might have hurt hasn’t forgiven you yet.
God does not condemn you no matter what you do; no matter how many times you fall down... so why should we? His love, and grace, and this room for error we have doesn’t mean that we stop trying to grow as people and Christians, and just resign to our weaknesses; it means accepting that sometimes, you WILL fail and that’s perfectly okay.
As far as the East is from the West, so far has He removed our transgressions from us. - Psalm 103:12
There’s no prize for being your #1 critic and constantly wallowing in self-pity, when as soon as you ask for forgiveness, God has let whatever you did go. It’s time for us to focus more on where we want to be, - more like Jesus in every aspect of our lives - than how many times we stumble before we get there. Keep your eyes on the goal. God knows you need help and as long as you’ve asked Him for it, you’re already on your way to overcoming.
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