I have a habit in my life of being controlling. It took me years, having a fight with my partner where he told me I was "a control freak" and doing some real soul-searching, to realise that this was truly one of my biggest issues - and biggest blind spots.
From what to have for breakfast in two days, to my free time, to my future kids' first birthdays, I love the feeling of having every little detail sorted out. I thrive on it; I revel in it. I would almost describe it as my drug.
Now, as you can imagine, that's a very challenging drug to be addicted to when you're in a relationship with God; a relationship where there should be complete dependence; a relationship of total submission; a relationship of absolute trust. Not being able to independently make decisions that affect my life is one of the biggest challenges I face in my life.
Last year, I realised something about myself I really wasn't comfortable with and knew I had to do something about. I hated my plans being disrupted. I didn't like the fact that offering someone a lift (that would save them the stress, time and cost of public transportation) would mean I would get home just 15 minutes later than I had planned, or that my partner would do something little that would interrupt the perfect day I had completely planned out for both of us. It was a massive problem - and a massive realisation that this was not the way to live. I knew that God and I would never work out if I chose to continue like that.
That realisation was just the beginning of the war against myself. After several honest prayers with God and seeking help from Him (the only Person who can actually change anything unpleasant about you), I started to see changes. I was more flexible, less annoyed when things did not go my way and better able to deal with the curves life throws in your day/life. I consciously made - and still make - decisions that would make me uncomfortable; kick me out of my comfort zone. But still, this was just the beginning.
I still have an issue with control. I'm in the middle of making a significant decision about work, and everyday, I can honestly say that I am so tempted to do exactly what I think is right, irrespective of how God feels about it.
But, you know what? God is smarter than me.
It's a simple, relatively obvious thing to say, but it's a truth we often assume we know, when in reality, it doesn't tend to sink in well enough.
God is smarter than all of us.
As a result, no matter how thoroughly I think I've thought something through, no matter how many good reasons I have to want to do something, no matter how well I think I know myself and what's best for me, I'm not God. I've played God in my life for wa-a-y too long. I've glorified myself to think I'm the ultimate Know-It-All.
Control is something I know I will still struggle with for some time, but what I also know is that I'm not where I used to be. Is freedom the ability to make your own choices in life uninterrupted and unhindered? I now realise that experiencing true freedom - as a Christian - comes by giving up the fight for control over your life.
From what to have for breakfast in two days, to my free time, to my future kids' first birthdays, I love the feeling of having every little detail sorted out. I thrive on it; I revel in it. I would almost describe it as my drug.
Now, as you can imagine, that's a very challenging drug to be addicted to when you're in a relationship with God; a relationship where there should be complete dependence; a relationship of total submission; a relationship of absolute trust. Not being able to independently make decisions that affect my life is one of the biggest challenges I face in my life.
Last year, I realised something about myself I really wasn't comfortable with and knew I had to do something about. I hated my plans being disrupted. I didn't like the fact that offering someone a lift (that would save them the stress, time and cost of public transportation) would mean I would get home just 15 minutes later than I had planned, or that my partner would do something little that would interrupt the perfect day I had completely planned out for both of us. It was a massive problem - and a massive realisation that this was not the way to live. I knew that God and I would never work out if I chose to continue like that.
That realisation was just the beginning of the war against myself. After several honest prayers with God and seeking help from Him (the only Person who can actually change anything unpleasant about you), I started to see changes. I was more flexible, less annoyed when things did not go my way and better able to deal with the curves life throws in your day/life. I consciously made - and still make - decisions that would make me uncomfortable; kick me out of my comfort zone. But still, this was just the beginning.
I still have an issue with control. I'm in the middle of making a significant decision about work, and everyday, I can honestly say that I am so tempted to do exactly what I think is right, irrespective of how God feels about it.
But, you know what? God is smarter than me.
It's a simple, relatively obvious thing to say, but it's a truth we often assume we know, when in reality, it doesn't tend to sink in well enough.
God is smarter than all of us.
As a result, no matter how thoroughly I think I've thought something through, no matter how many good reasons I have to want to do something, no matter how well I think I know myself and what's best for me, I'm not God. I've played God in my life for wa-a-y too long. I've glorified myself to think I'm the ultimate Know-It-All.
Control is something I know I will still struggle with for some time, but what I also know is that I'm not where I used to be. Is freedom the ability to make your own choices in life uninterrupted and unhindered? I now realise that experiencing true freedom - as a Christian - comes by giving up the fight for control over your life.
Hmmm, I will have to agree with you on this one. It's difficult to share your time and ideas with an open mind that deviations will occur. But what if we do? I will pray to God to help me learn to help myself through Him. Thanks, Kumstar
ReplyDelete